By Drew Melbourne

ARCHENEMIES #2 comes out today! Hurray! Run out and buy your copies now!
Back yet? No? Oh well. Don't worry. I'll give you another—Oh, there you are!

While you were at the store, you may have noticed another comic that came out today—a little indie number called CIVIL WAR.

You know, the one with the catch phrase:


Well, we at ARCHENEMIES ONLINE believe in helping these tiny, under-financed, under-promoted comics to catch a break. To that end, I sat down with the stars of ARCHENEMIES, Vincent and Ethan, to ask them the biggest question in comics today:
    AEO: Okay, guys. Whose side are you on?

    VINCENT: Who the what now?

    AEO: Whose side of the Civil War are you guys on?

    ETHAN: I'm going to take a radical stance here and say… I am anti-slavery.

    VINCENT: I'm pro-state's rights. Does that make me a bad person?

    ETHAN: That's NOT what makes you a bad person.

    AEO: I'm not talking about THAT Civil War. I'm talking about the one in the comics.

    ETHAN: Oh. Um… Which comics? I haven't read anything about a Civil War.

    AEO: You only read HELLBOY.

    VINCENT: HELLBOY's a good comic. I like that Rasputin fellow.

    ETHAN: Whose side is Hellboy on?

    AEO: Hellboy doesn't have to pick a side. This is a Marvel comic.

    ETHAN: Oh. Then I'm on Captain America's side.

    AEO: Do you know which side Captain America is on?

    ETHAN: He's on AMERICA's side, obviously.

    VINCENT: I bet HE supports state's rights.

    AEO: Actually, he's NOT on America's side.

    ETHAN: Really?

    AEO: Eh. I only know what I read on Newsarama, but it doesn't seem that way.

    VINCENT: I'm confused. Is CIVIL WAR about Captain America seceding from the union?

    AEO: Um. Maybe? All I know is that the United States government wants the superheroes to reveal their secret identities and work for the government, and the heroes are split on how to respond.

    Some are for it. Some are against it. All the heroes have to choose a side.

    VINCENT: ALL the heroes?

    AEO: Yeah. I think so.

    ETHAN: What about Ghost Rider? Is he for or against?

    AEO: Um… Against, I guess.

    VINCENT: What about Black Panther? He's not even American. Does he choose a side?

    AEO: I don't know. Maybe.

    ETHAN: You said EVERYONE has to choose a side.

    VINCENT: What about the Silver Surfer? Who's side is he on.

    AEO: I think the Silver Surfer is off in space.

    ETHAN: What about that little girl from X-FACTOR. Who's side is she on?

    AEO: Layla Miller? I thought you said you didn't read Marvel comics!

    ETHAN: I don't. I just know stuff.

    VINCENT: Who's side is Son of Satan on?

    AEO: Against?

    VINCENT: Squirrel Girl?

    AEO: For?

    VINCENT: Forbush Man?

    AEO: Now you're just making characters up.

    Look, let's make this real simple: Captain America is standing up for civil liberties and saying that heroes don't have to unmask. Iron Man is siding with the government in an effort to protect the greater good. So let me ask you ONE MORE TIME:

    Deal or no d—

    I mean, whose side are you on?

    ETHAN: Well, it's hard for me to say. I mean, I'm NOT secretly a superhero or anything, so I don't really have a frame of—

    VINCENT: I'm on Captain America's side.

    ETHAN: Really?

    VINCENT: Sure. He's undermining the United States government. Sounds good to me. I knew there was a reason I liked him.

    ETHAN: He's NOT undermining the United States government. He's leading by example. He's showing them that—

    VINCENT: Blah, blah, blah.

    AEO: Wait, so are you both on Captain America's side then? Are you actually AGREEING on something?

    ETHAN and VINCENT (in unison): NO!

    ETHAN: I'm… Um. I'll be pro-government, I guess. That's Iron Man's side, right?

    AEO: That's right.

    ETHAN: Okay. Iron Man's cool. I guess.

    VINCENT: Isn't he the alcoholic superhero?

    AEO: Um… "Recovering" alcoholic, I think.

    VINCENT: Good choice, Ethan. I'm sure you'll get along famously.

    ETHAN: Shove it, Darko. Me and Squirrel Girl are going to kick your ass.

    VINCENT: "Squirrel Girl and I."

    ETHAN: Squirrel Girl switched sides?

    VINCENT: …

    AEO: Thanks, guys. Parting thoughts?

    ETHAN: Apparently, my faith in Squirrel Girl was misplaced.

    VINCENT: If Ethan is any way representative of his "side," I think Iron Man is about to get his Iron-Ass Iron-handed to him.


Well, that wraps up our little roundtable discussion! Remember, ARCHENEMIES #2 and CIVIL WAR #1 are both in stores now.

Our apologies to Mark Millar and the folks at Marvel!

The DARK HORSE name and logo are © and ™ Dark Horse Comics. ARCHENEMIES, the ARCHENEMIES logo, and all other site contents are © and ™ Drew Melbourne. All rights reserved.